My Naikan: A review from a Naikan Meditator

The context

During the last winter, I stayed to Guang Jue Monastery in order to mainly improve both my breathing and concentration skills. I had planned to stay there during one month. I was expecting to define and follow the proper day-to-day routine (Chi Kung practice, meditation sessions, etc.)

A couple of days following my arrival at the Monastery, Malcolm, the Retreat Facilitator, suggested me to do a 3-day period Naikan. Although I was not familiar with that process, I thought that to focus my attention over such a period could be a good exercise by itself. 

Malcolm briefly introduced to me the process of Naikan, the three key questions to focus on (what did I receive from the person? What did I give to him/her? What problems/difficulties did I cause to him/her?), and the breakdown of the time focus on each question (20% for the first two questions, 60% for the last one) 

The Naikan process

Then being alone, I started to draw three columns on a sheet of paper and looked at the relationship I had with my mother over the first five years of my life. Writing down notes on images, feelings and broad ideas about love, attention, I thought that the exercise might not be as demanding as expected and I was a little confused about why 3 days (or even 7 days) were required to complete it. After 45 minutes, Malcolm went back in order to see whether I was on the right track. When he asked me “could you give me an example of an event where your mother gave you attention during your childhood?”, I was not able to properly answer the question by giving a detailed example. Obviously I was not on the right track and I had to reconsider the amount of diligence and concentration I would put into the exercise. Then, being alone again, I meditated for a very short period of time in order to track any feelings, smells, touches I had when my mother and I were together 30 years ago. It helped me to be more accurate about what I received from her. As a personal guess, it also helped my brain to be more tuned in my early childhood, which is the most difficult period to remember. 

Finally on the right track, I spent the rest of the first day looking at the relationship with my mother. From time to time, Malcolm checked my progress. I guess he wanted to be sure that (i) I would dedicate enough time to every question and every stage of the life and (ii) I would be able to keep the required level of concentration and to provide with the adequate level of details of the relationship. It is clear that after a couple of hours of practice, one main risk is to rush and to fail to notice any meaningful event of the relationship. 

The next day, I started to look at the relationship with my father. Interestingly I noticed that a lot of feelings (heat, joy, strength, etc.) popped up in my mind quite easily. After one day and one night of brain activity on Naikan, I guess my brain knew what I had to look at. I spent almost the full second day on my father.

During the next two days and half, I reflected in order on my relationship with my sister, uncles, love partners, friends and colleagues (business partners). It encompassed twelve relationship reviews. I also looked at my relationship with some places (e.g. religious retreats), topics (e.g. professional career) and searched whether some patterns appeared. I felt that it might help me to better understand some blockages. However, it diverged from the purposes of Naikan, which are on one side to realize how each person around oneself truly helps one to grow and to build up his/her own identity and on the other side how much graceful and more importantly much disgraceful one behave s with them. 

The relationships

The selection of the relationships and the people to look at is probably as important as the meditating process by itself. Depending on the length of Naikan, the number of relationships to be analyzed would be more or less large. Personally I tried to select the most meaningful relationships I had over my life. I truly love most of people I selected but not all of them. Some relationships were terminated; some had lasted only few days; some had been very painful. 

Interestingly, at the end of the meditating process, some patterns appear and design a kind of puzzle. You may receive love, attention, or piece of advice from relationships that will help you to face other more challenging or unbalanced relationships. You may also act the same way with all of your friends and cause the same kind of troubles not only to them and but also to other relatives.

I used to play tennis with my best friend almost every day during summer. We knew each other from the kindergarten. We shared passion for sport and practiced a lot together. Even though I was not very talented, I could not cope with the defeat and I defeated him over many years. Luckily, he won the last play we had together. However, I realized that through many years my unconditional desire to win caused him pain and sorrow. I also realized that to look at the Life as a competing field prevented me from being a true friend, meaning someone that is willing to share happiness and puts aside his/her ego. 

The people

Through the selection of the relationships and after the meditating process, it appeared to me that people could somehow be “categorized”. Some were like angels providing me with true love, valuable pieces of advices, examples:

My sister appeared to me as an angel full of compassion and love while I used to be arrogant, insulting and cynical about her behavior, her skills. 

One of my uncles had been disabled since he was born. Although his handicap was very painful, he and his wife were extremely generous with me and others. They gave me the chance to work in summer in their factory. The work was physically tiring but every day they offered me a great lunch! I had also the great chance to work with factory workers who were very generous very me although theirs resources were limited. Reflecting on my relationship with my uncle and all the people surrounding him, I realized that it gave me an invaluable lesson of life full of sufferings, risks, anger, success and gifts. Repetitive patterns and topics appeared so that the take-away from that relationship was crystal clear.

Some people were like “ego mirrors” or “don’t do it” providing me with fascination, desire, temptation, and guiding me on a wrong path. To me those are quite valuable since one may learn a lot from the relationship review. Again, repetitive patterns (success/failure) and topics appeared over the relationship reviews.

The final step and follow-up

Following to the meditating process, I decided to summarize each relationship by answering the four following questions: 

a) how is/was the relationship (e.g. balanced, on-going, complex, etc.)?

b) what did I receive, how did I receive it and how did it affect me?

c) what is the main take-away from the relationship?

d) what can I do to improve the relationship?

For the sake of example, I summed up the relationship with my father as follows:

a) Subtle, complex, mature, struggling, loving relationship,

b) Received a lot of love (e.g. invaluable teachings about life and heath) but misunderstood it very often,

c) True love can be sometimes difficult understand. Always welcome all receiving and do not waste any gift,

d) Thank him for being my father and his love; apologize for my rudeness. Always keep opened my mind.

This summary of a Naikan retreat was submitted by Sebastien a participant at Guang Jue Temple Healing Retreat and serves as an example of discovery from relationships and personal growth through them. Published through his kind permission.

Naikan Do It!

What are the benefits of being enclosed in isolation for 9 hours a day in reflective meditation only moving from one’s meditation mat to have a P and T break? For many this may seem like pure torture. For a small but increasing number of others Naikan Meditation is a way of not only coming in contact with your authentic self but also a way of living the benefits of the meditation on a daily basis and finding a deeper happiness. In fact, Naikan has many benefits that only now are being realized in the West.

Naikan, from the Japanese words Nai = inner and Kan= looking was developed in Japan by Yoshimoto Ishin (1916-1988). It has its roots deep in Japanese Pure Land Buddhist (Jodo Shinshu) practice but quickly developed into a powerful and respected psychotherapy in Japan and China. For centuries Buddhist monks in China and Japan have practised inner reflection before repentance rituals.

The practise of self-reflection is practised in many of the great spiritual traditions of the world and it is perhaps now that owing to the increased interest in Eastern practises and Buddhism that we are shedding the hardened skin of the aversion to looking in the mirror of our souls and finding such to have great healing benefits.

Naikan Meditation evolves around three strategic questions which focus in at our behaviour or conduct rather than thoughts or feelings. Naikan avoids analysis and endless inner debate and manipulation of the facts and keeps rigidly to “what is”.

1. What have I received from this person?
2. What have I given to this person?
3. What problems or difficulties have I caused this person?

They are strategic questions as the hone in on what essentially are the important elements of life, namely the gifts of life and the obstructions to the gifts of life. True abundance is found in life’s gifts and within our own gifts and the greatest enemy to the gift of life is the ego – our own self-cherishing nature.

It is natural for all of us to seek happiness and abundance. However much of our happiness is shallow and short lived as is our sought after abundance. Abundance based purely on material possessions will only be impermanent. Abundance based on our gifts to life and from life is truly satisfying. If we are willing to trace our present dissatisfaction or sufferings we will most often find these to have their roots in actions or thinking. Naikan is a meditation which is able to reframe our thought processes to produce outcomes which bring us deeper insight and happiness. Naikan teaches us to see life from a different angle.

Classical Naikan meditation retreats normally go over seven days. However, the T’ai Shen Centre in Sydney has designed Naikan meditation retreats which last four days – a long week end - making it more convenient for those whose time is limited. However when we come to think about its we have spent a life time getting to the point we are now at so what is the issue about spending only 4 – 7 days reframing a life so that we live a happier and more positively productive life in the future?

Our recent Naikan Meditation Retreat in Melbourne began with participants all looking as though they were about to begin a grueling marathon. “I don’t think I am able to go through with it. . .my life issues are too great” was the call of deep reservation from one lady. However, hour by hour, the gentle Naikan guides are with you guiding you and encouraging you.  You see, Naikan is not a therapy in which you are served the answers to life’s problems. Only you have the answers to your own problems. The Naikan Guide is only there to guide you to those answers and a way forward.  It is a gentle therapy, a quiet therapy.

The hours ticked by and the retreat comes to and end.  Faces looked softened. Each participant was surrounded by a gentle and warm glow. It is evident; it is palpable. The same lady who days earlier felt the weight of the task ahead of her remarked: “I can do it now. I can face life now.” “Naikan do it!” she added. We all laughed at her humour and hugged her.

Happiness and Naikan: A Search for Importance

What is really important in our life? This is a question that Naikan practitioners are faced with on a daily basis. It is a question that confronts those doing an intensive Naikan retreat.

It is confronting because our self-cherishing nature desperately wants us to believe that so many other things are important – why the boss is giving us a hard time, the husband who leave his dirty clothes on the floor, the mother-in-law’s opinions that make us angry – all of these and much more often clog up the mental pathways of our day obscuring that which is able to bring a deeper inner happiness.

Naikan teaches us to hold on to what is really important thus freeing us to be in the present moment and see the beauty of the day. It does this by teaching us to focus on three very strategic questions:

1. What have I received from a particular person or event?
2. What have I given to a particular person or event?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused?

The first question “What have I received from a particular person or event?”
invites us to see the gift and interconnectedness of life. Life is a precious gift in which we make manifest and share our own giftedness to the world. This is a valuable key towards inner happiness.

Our life depends upon so many people. The coffee you appreciated this morning was a gift from so many. The coffee beans had to be picked, processed, packaged and transported. The jar was made by a network of others. A store owner provided the store in which the coffee is sold, the check out person served us. We needed water to add to the coffee. There are so many people involved in providing and maintaining the city water grid. We needed a fragile environment to cause rain for the water. Do you take sugar and milk in your coffee? Sugar requires farmers to plant and harvest the sugar cane. Cows provide the milk. On and on it goes the complex web of interdependence and connection.

In Naikan Meditation we take time to reflect on those who injure or insult us. In one retreat a participant told me that his boss was very difficult to get along with and could find nothing that the boss had given him. However, soon he was able to reflect that the boss provided him with work which he needed. Naikan meditation trains us to observe the gift in each day.

The second question of Naikan: “What have I given to that person or event?” helps us to develop a compassionate heart. It is still a question that focuses on the gift of life but now reversed. Gifts are about both receiving and giving. The second question in Naikan is about giving. Naikan meditation invites us to sift our minds and hearts deeply as to those things we give others – not just material things but also time, attention, knowledge and many other non-tangible things. We begin to learn that we can give in so many creative ways.

The second Naikan question helps us to go into each day with a mind of giving. What do you give to other drivers on the road when you drive to work? What do you give to your work colleagues and boss? There is so much happiness in giving and generates the compassionate heart.

In Buddhism there is the concept of Dana (giving). Giving freely without concern or interest of self creates great Karmic merit. The giving heart is a healthy heart. The giving heart is a heart free from troubles. The giving heart is an abundant heart. When you give from your own inner gift you create energy of abundance and well-being. This is Naikan.

During a Naikan retreat participants retrain their minds to see life from a different angle carefully sifting the sands of their life for the Dana – the gifts of life.

The third question is by far the hardest. In Naikan meditation it is the one which confronts us the most. It is the one we want to avoid. Now the self-cherishing part of us starts to kick a tantrum. It is also the question upon which we must spend 60% of our time. It is the most important question. What difficulties and troubles have I caused this person or event?

We are so used to examining and talking about what problems others have caused us. We are used to seeing ourselves as the victims of others, the world or our environment. The self-cherishing part of us desperately wants us to feel hurt. It tricks us into thinking that feeling this way we will find deep inner happiness, comfort and nurture. However, we will never find deep happiness by blaming others for our problems. Most often this attitude promotes anger and the natural consequence of unchecked anger is a never ending cycle of misery and suffering. Naikan, on the other hand, teaches us to take responsibility for our lives. One of the biggest obstructions to happiness and well-being is the self-cherishing part of us. Naikan meditation gradually erodes the self-cherishing nature leaving us with the gift of life.

What problems and difficulties others have caused us personally do not matter. They are not important. The Buddha has made it clear that the problems we face are of our own making. All things emanate from our mind. We have sown the seeds of our own torment and we reap the results. When we truly understand and accept this we are able to break down the barriers of delusion and see life in all its beauty.

What is really important is that we no longer sow the seeds of negative karma. By firmly and resolutely answering the third Naikan question in relation to our entire life we begin to root out the karmic obstructions, gain personal integrity and as a result sow seeds of positive karma. We are thus masters of our own destiny. Further by concentrating on this third question we train our minds to be ever watchful of planting seeds of destructive karma. This is important. This is Naikan.

During a Naikan Meditation Retreat participants gradually learn what is really important in life as the key to a deeper happiness. Naikan is not only a Pure Land Buddhist practice but a highly valuable psychological process for dealing with our life problems. Our problems arise because we cannot see the gift and joy of life. Learning to live the gift and joy of life is important. This is Naikan.

Three Questions to Freedom

By Malcolm Hunt

The three questions kept staring at her for three hours. The deep and cutting silence offered no distraction. She stared back at the three questions. They continued to gaze into her soul waiting for a response. “Why these three questions?” she impatiently asked. “Because they have the power to release you”, I gently and softly replied.

Naikan is an intensive meditation process revolving around three questions.

What have I received from this person or event?

What have I given to this person or event?

What troubles or difficulties have I caused this person or event?

Naikan originates from a Japanese Pure Land Buddhist meditation of introspection – thus the word Naikan from the Japanese words Nai = inner and Kan=observation. It was first developed for public use by Yoshimoto Ishin (1916-1988) and is now widely used as a psychotherapy in Japan and China and is fast gaining interest in the West as more formal psychotherapies have failed to nourish the soul.

What of the relevance of the three questions?

Fran Peavy in her book Strategic Questioning stated: “Questioning can change your entire life. It can uncover hidden power and stifled dreams inside of you...things you may have denied for many years.” The three Naikan question are strategic questions that have hidden power.

They are strategic because a strategy is necessary to help dismantle a state of mind that has often brought us to live with an undercurrent of despair and unhappiness. A strategy is necessary to bring us to a view of life that enables us to see the gift of life. A strategy is necessary to break down the solid wall of ego we have built around us to imprison us in a state of ignorance and delusion and perpetual unhappiness. These three questions are the strategy and medicine for our soul to have life.

The three questions are about relationship. This is no coincidence. The harmony or disharmony, whatever is prevalent, is at the core of our mental and spiritual health. The quality of our relationships with each other and our environment have a direct bearing on our behaviour as well as the quality of our inner life. In Buddhism it is understood that nothing exists by or for itself and that causes and conditions give rise to effects for better or for worse. Our earliest relationships were with our father and mother or lack of these two key persons. Naikan always begins with meditation and introspection upon these two relationships for obvious reasons. It is upon these relationships that our future relationships are formed. However, our relational life is almost always colored by our perceptions. If father gave me gifts then he must be a good person is my reasoning from my perceptions. Conversely, if my father ignored me then he must be a bad person. Have you ever heard three people in the one family having a discussion about their parents? Sometimes you would think they are talking about different people. This is because their perceptions are different depending upon how the ego has interpreted the relationship. The art of Naikan is to bring us to a realistic view of our relational life (which is all of life) by narrowing the questions to the essence of relationship – that of giving and receiving. Here Naikan is not speaking about the giving and receiving of negative things but rather the giving and receiving of the gifts of life. This is not a burying of one’s head in the sand to the negatives and pain of life but rather living of life in its fullness from “giftedness” and “gratitude.” When we are able to live life from these two states then life takes on a different form. A transformation takes place. Giving and receiving are the Yin and Yang of our inner relational life. When we begin to observe life through these two then there is harmony and joy.

It is easy to be critical of the problems others have caused us. It is easy to point the finger. However when we view life from this vantage point we begin to wither like a flower without water. It is said that when we point a finger towards another there are always three pointing back at us.

In the traditional Naikan process only 40% of our time is spent on the first two questions but 60% spent on the last one: “What problems and difficulties have I caused this person?”

Again this is a strategic question. The first two questions are sugar medicine. The third is a bitter but life-giving pill. Naturally this question arouses feelings of shame and guilt. Unfortunately in Western society we have tended to avoid more and more the unpleasant feelings in place of the happy, fuzzy, feel-good feelings. I always have strong emotional reactions to this section when I am teaching the Introduction to Naikan workshops. “How can I be asked to look at what problems I caused a father who was constantly emotionally abusive?” a young man recently asked me with an air of anger and frustration.

In Buddhism we note that one of the distinguishing marks between human and animals is the human ability to feel shame and act upon the feeling accordingly. This third question leads us to our humanity. It is interesting that I almost always hear anger in the voices of objection to the third question. Anger when unrestrained has done untold violence damage to humanity. The anger and frustration come from the ego or ignorance within us. The ego would do all it can for us to live a life of delusional short-term feel good feelings and never know deep inner Joy. Further, in Tibetan Buddhism there is no word for “guilt” corresponding to the English concept. The Tibetan word that comes close carries with it a sense of “personal integrity”. I think this is are better words than the word ‘guilt’ as guilt implies punishment and in Buddhism the only person to punish us is ourselves and this misses the point entirely. When the warning light comes on that the aircraft is off track the pilot does not hit the hell out of the warning light!! He simply makes what adjustments are necessary and brings the craft back on course. This is integrity. We all have personal integrity. This is manifest in the Buddha nature within each and every one of us. When we move away from our Buddha nature it is like moving away from the warmth of a fire on a cold winter’s night. When we move away from our personal integrity we have an emotion of shame which motivates us to move back to our Buddha nature. This is what the third question does.

In the Art of Naikan we are the artists of our own life assisted by the gentle support of the Naikan Guide or therapist. The three questions are the colours upon the artist’s palette. Finally from these three questions we are able to paint a picture of our life from a different perspective, one which we have rarely seen before, one from the perspective of life’s gifts. With a deep sense of gratitude we are able to move forward with a spring in our step knowing that the gift of life and ourselves are one. This is abundance. This is Joy.

Malcolm Hunt is a Naikan and Mindfulness Therapist and Trainer working in China and Sydney Australia